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anxieties and insecurities.

I had the ticket in my hand and I was happy.






Then I was reminded of the ex. Then I wasn't so happy anymore.


Insecurities abound. She's a part-time lecturer, an ex-Lit major, a feminist at heart and not to mention, skinny. Oh, did I mention, she writes too?


I feel like like a second-grade rebound. A trainee 'cher, an ex-Lit major, not a feminist and in case it wasn't obvious before, fat. A poor copy of an outline that preceeded me.



I hate my low self-esteem. Maybe Nick's right, maybe I do sabotage my own happiness. Maybe pain is pleasure after all.

Unintended

One of the most ironic things about admitting that you like someone is this-



You're letting the person know that they have the ability to hurt you. The words that are left hanging in the air after a conversation or the ones that are left unsaid take on added meaning. What they do or don't do- matters to you. Uneasy laughter from jokes that belies the seriousness of the entanglement becomes part of the daily communication.



You said it first and you sounded out your insecurities. As did I. But right now, I wouldn't want to change a thing. I like you- plain and simple. I don't know how else I can express that.





Yes, you could possibly be my unintended.

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I love my parents.
However, there are some other blood-related people I'd rather wish I didn't have.


You're vindictive, hypocritical and two-faced. To think that I was ever close to you. You use and abuse everything anyone says. Half-truths become full blown lies.

You're not a bad person. But you're not a good person either.

So now, you turn your attention towards me and my family. Why? Because you can't deal with your own problems. You can't deal with your own problems and you can't find a healthier way to distract yourself.


It's people like you that make it so hard for anyone else to grow up and lead their own lives. I'm glad you're not my mother, because I think I would have gone over the edge.

At times like this, I honestly cherish whatever freedom my parents have given me. Sure I'm not as "free" as some of you, but I have a healthy amount to keep me sane. I'm so lucky to have them.

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Hypothetical Situations

During movie night....

movie1 


The Bunny becomes angry and Crunchie tries to placate her.

movie2


Cheesy ending because I told T I wanted a happy ending. :)
 

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silly words, real fears.

"I'm scared of you".

"Of me? Why? I'm more afraid of you".

"Huh? What? Why?"

"You're cute. And the cute ones are those that you should be afraid of. They look cute and harmless. Then they rip you to pieces".

"Well, you're too nice for your own good. You're so sweet and nice now. Then one day, you might just up and poof! Don't think I don't know!".

"Okay, so we've established that we are both scared of each other. It's okay, great friendships are based on fear".

"Like Tom and Jerry?"

"And Itchy and Scratchy!"





What's next?

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Impossible to find.

You are painfully perfect for me. Every little thing you do to get me through the day- I really appreciate it. It puts a smile on my face and I feel that I can do anything! I'm the king of the worldddd!!! You're my little cheerleader- only not in a short skirt. I hate the time difference cos that would mean you'd be staying up just so we can talk on the phone or webcam. But you don't complain despite your 12345 other assignments due. I have to be more aware of not keeping you up at odd hours anymore.



So.... I've decided you guys... I'm definitely going to fly down in November. Probably just in time for the new place. Shhhh.




You're too sweet for your own good. :D

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"The Girl"






While I'm off chasing my own dreams,
Sailing around the world,
Please know that I'm yours to keep,
My beautiful girl.

And when you cry a piece of my heart dies,
Knowing that I may have been the cause,
If you were to leave, fulfill someone elses dreams,
I think I might totally be lost.





- T's morning dedication. <3

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"Those Three Words"




One of my favourite Youtube artists- Dustin (tsud123). I enjoy both his original and cover works. Sure, the lyrics aren't like "woah" and borders on some juvenile issues- but truth of the matter is that things don't change even when you head into your 20s.
 


 
"I made it so complicated.
I hate it. Now you're gone."

 

look how they shine for you...


i forgot how beautiful the night sky is. the last time i was lying under the big expanse of stars and darkness was at botanical gardens with the blondies. i was out tonight with someone i used to like- talking like we used to- *drum roll*- it was J. remember J? sinnie, i know you completely loathe J- prolly for very legit reasons.
 
anyway, sitting under the night sky, talking and confiding- something we used to do so often and somehow it all stopped. i can't remember who got tired of who first. just that things change- people change- relationships are transient. even me. any residual feelings i thought i had for J has disappeared as i talked about T.

this brings me back to this really insane fear of not knowing whether to trust my feelings anymore. J made me happy for that short period when i was going through some changes in my life- and she showed some semblance of care and concern- even for a while. am i just a narcissistic, selfish girl? someone who needs alot of love and affection (whether i'm right or wrong...).

is T someone else to take over the succession of people who i perceive as the person who could potentially fill up some void/ lack? i guess the real difference (and this is what scares me)- T might just be the person whom i like as much as T fancies me. T caught me by surprise- it was never my intention to be more than friends- it didn't occur to me to look at T that way- it just happened.

but like Marcus says, 6 months is a looooooooooong time for T to come back home- for things to fuck up as well. on the other hand- it's just enough time to continue knowing each other more- and come december - if things are still good- this might just mean something worthwhile- for the both of us.

Maybe...


A favourite at Joey's Rock Band/ Drinking Sesh:






i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now
back beat, the word on the street is that the fire in your heart is out
.
.
.

maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me
and afterall, you're my wonderwall.

.
.
.
there are many things i would like to say to you, but i don't know how.





Can't wait for Sat's sesh. Let's hope my flu bug rids itself from my system before I wreck havoc with all the alcohol!